@@CHAP@@ INTRODUCTION—A PERSONAL STATEMENT
A speaker stood before a group of alcoholics determined to demonstrate to them, once and for all, that alcohol was an evil beyond compare. On the platform he had what appeared to be two identical containers of clear fluid. He announced that one contained pure water and the other was filled with undiluted alcohol. He placed a small worm in the container while everyone watched as it swam around and headed for the side of the glass, whereupon it simply crawled to the top of the glass. He then took the same worm and placed it in the container with alcohol. The worm disintegrated right before their eyes. “There,” said the speaker. “What’s the moral?” A voice from the rear of the room said quite clearly, “I see that if you drink alcohol, you’ll never have worms.”
This book has a lot of “worms” in it—meaning, you will hear and perceive exactly what you want to hear based upon many of your own values, beliefs, prejudices and personal history. Self-defeating behavior and the ways to overcome it are touchy areas to write about. Looking at yourself in depth with an eye toward changing might be something that you say you are interested in accomplishing, but your behavior often speaks otherwise. Change is tough. If you’re like most people, every fiber of your being will resist having to take on the hard work of eliminating the thoughts that support your self-forfeiting feelings and behavior. But despite the “worms” I think you are going to like this book. I love it! And I loved writing it.
While I do not believe that mental health should be treated in a flip manner, neither do I support the notion that it must be a humorless enterprise, filled with arcane jargon. I have tried to avoid intricate explanations, largely because I do not believe that “being happy” is a complex affair.
Being healthy is a natural state, and the means for achieving it are within the grasp of each one of us. I believe that a judicious mixture of hard work, clear thinking, humor and self-confidence are the ingredients of effective living. I do not believe in fancy formulas, or historical excursions into your past to discover that you were “harshly toilet trained” and that someone else is responsible for your unhappiness.
This book outlines a pleasant approach to achieving happiness—an approach that relies on responsibility for and commitment to yourself, plus an appetite for living and a desire to be all that you choose to at this moment. It’s an uncomplicated approach, a common sense approach. If you are a healthy, happy human being, you may find yourself thinking, “I could have written this book.” You are right. You don’t need a professional background in counseling and a doctorate in the helping professions to understand the principles of effective living. You don’t learn them in a classroom or in a book. You learn them by being committed to your own happiness and by doing something about it. This is something I work on every day, while simultaneously helping others to make similar choices.
Each chapter of this book is written like a counseling session. This approach is aimed at providing as much opportunity for self-help as possible. A particular erroneous zone, or kind of self-destructive behavior, is explored, and the historical antecedents for the behavior in our culture (and therefore in you) are examined. The emphasis is on helping you understand why you are trapped in this self-defeating zone. Then specific behaviors that fall into this erroneous zone are detailed. The types of behavior we’re talking about are everyday acts that may seem perfectly acceptable, but are, in reality, harmful to your own happiness. There are no examples from severe emotionally disturbed clinical cases, but rather the daily neurotic messages that we all send out. After a look at the behaviors in the erroneous zone we go on to an examination of the reasons for hanging onto behavior which does not make you happy. This entails a hard look at the psychological support system that you have erected to maintain self-defeating behavior, rather than giving it up. This section is an attempt to answer the questions, “What do I get out of my behavior?” and “Why does it persist if it is injurious to me?” As you examine each erroneous zone, you’ll undoubtedly note that each of the “payoff” sections has similar messages. You’ll discover that the reasons for keeping neurotic behavior are fairly consistent across all of the erroneous zones. Essentially it is safer to hang onto a learned response, even if it is self-destructive. Moreover, you can eliminate having to change and take responsibility if you keep the erroneous zones intact. These payoffs of safety and security will be evident throughout the book. You’ll begin to see that your psychological maintenance system functions to keep blame off you and the opportunity for change at bay. The fact that you maintain many self-defeating behaviors for the same reason only makes total growth more approachable. Eliminate these reasons and you’ll eradicate your erroneous zones.