Introduction
I told my husband I was going to take a class one night a week and he went ballistic in that quiet way of his. “Do whatever you want, you always do anyway,” he told me, “but don’t expect me to be waiting for you when you get home. I’m always there for you; why can’t you be there for me?” I knew his argument didn’t make sense, but it made me feel so selfish. I asked for my registration fee back. —LIZ
I was planning to spend Christmas traveling with my wife, a vacation we’d been looking forward to for months. I called my mom to tell her the news that we’d finally gotten the tickets, and she almost started to cry. “But what about Christmas dinner?” she said. “You know everyone always gets together for the holiday. If you go on that trip instead of coming, you’ll ruin the holiday for everyone. How can you do this to me? How many Christmases do you think I have left?” So of course I gave in. My wife’s going to kill me, but I don’t see how I could enjoy a vacation while I’m buried under all that guilt. —TOM
I went in to tell my boss that I had to have help or a more realistic deadline on a big project I’m doing. As soon as I mentioned that I really needed some relief, he started on me. “I know how much you want to get home to your family,” he said, “but even though they miss you now, you know they’ll appreciate that promotion we’ve been considering you for. We need a team player with real dedication for that job—that’s what I thought you were. But go ahead. Spend more time with the kids. Just remember that if those are your priorities, we might have to reconsider our plans for you.” I felt totally blindsided. Now I don’t know what to do. —KIM
What’s going on here? Why do certain people leave us thinking “I’ve lost again. I always give in. I didn’t say what I was really feeling. Why can’t I ever get my point across? How come I can never stand up for myself?” We know we’ve been had. We know we feel frustrated and resentful, and we know we’ve given up what we want to please someone else, but we just don’t know what to do about it. Why is it that some people are able to emotionally overpower us, leaving us feeling defeated?
The people we’re coming up against in these can’t-win situations are skillful manipulators. They swathe us in a comforting intimacy when they get what they want, but they frequently wind up threatening us in order to get their way, or burying us under a load of guilt and self-reproach when they don’t. It may seem as though they map out ways to get what they want from us, but often they’re not even aware of what they’re doing. In fact, many can appear sweet or long-suffering and not threatening at all.
Generally, it’s one particular person—a partner, a parent, a sibling, a friend—who manipulates us so consistently that we seem to forget everything we know about being effective adults. Though we may be skilled and successful in other parts of our lives, with these people we feel bewildered, powerless. They’ve got us wrapped around their little fingers.
Take my client Sarah, a court reporter. Sarah, a vivacious brunette, has been seeing a builder named Frank for almost a year. A close couple in their 30s, they got along well—until the subject of marriage came up. Then, said Sarah, “his whole demeanor toward me changed. He seemed to want me to prove myself.” It all became clear one weekend when Frank invited her up for a romantic weekend at his cabin in the mountains. “When we arrived, the place was full of tarps and paint cans, and he handed me a brush. I didn’t know what else to do, so I painted.” They worked, mostly in silence, all day, and when they finally sat down to rest, Frank pulled out a huge diamond engagement ring.