Robert Stephens held his breath and counted to three, hoping to see Mama.
Some mornings his nose tickled with a trace of talcum powder or Madam C. J. Walker’s Glossine hair grease, and he felt . . . *something* hovering over him, watching him sleep. His groggy brain would think . . . *Mama?* If he gasped or sat up too quickly, or even wiped the sleep from his eyes, it was gone like a dream. But sometimes, when the June daylight charged early through the thin curtain and broke the darkness, movement glided across the red glow of his closed eyelids like someone walking past his bed. He felt no gentle kisses or fingertips brushing his forehead. No whispers of assurances and motherly love. Nothing like what people said ghosts were supposed to be, much less your dead mama. That morning he was patient, counting the way he’d practiced—*one one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand*—and slitted his eyes open.
A woman’s shadow passed outside of the window above him, features appearing in the gaps between the sheets of tinfoil taped across the glass. In a white dress, maybe. *Maybe.* Moving fast, in a hurry.
“Mama?”
The shadow didn’t stop, or turn around, or step inside the room through the wall to show her face. His hope that she would say something to him died before it was fully awake. That’s how fast she was gone. Always.
Robert jumped from his mattress to peek through a gap in the foil, but of course she wasn’t there. Nothing was visible except the old chicken coop, long empty. And it was an ordinary day again, with Mama in heaven and Papa in Chicago—starting out wrong already. Robert had given up trying to convince his older sister, Gloria, that Mama was visiting him, unless she was just jealous that he still had a piece of her that she didn’t. But it was such a small piece, not even enough to touch or hold.
Since Robert and Gloria lived downwind of the McCormacks’ turpentine camp, the sweet scent of cooking breakfast ham filled the cabin like a shout. Robert’s violent hunger overpowered any happiness he’d won from the quick-moving shadow that could have been Mama’s ghost, but probably wasn’t. That day started the same as the rest: the vaguest shadow and the smell of meat. Robert’s empty heart whimpered and his empty stomach roared.
Later on, when the bad thing would happen and the judge would ask him, “Why’d you do a fool thing like that?”—and in the days to come he would cry himself to sleep in secret with the same question—the answer rested squarely with the frying ham at the turpentine camp. The camp was down the path from the two-room, ninety-year-old oak-and-brick cabin their grandfather built on the patch of land Master Powell had given him to die on when he was no longer useful—and luckily Papa had just fixed the leaky roof before he was chased off to Chicago. The money Papa sent the first week of the month never lasted long enough to keep the pantry stocked, so he and Gloria couldn’t afford regular meat anymore except on Sundays. After church, Gloria might surprise him with a squirrel or rabbit she’d trapped, or she’d chop up a handful of smoked pork from Miss Anne in her greens so he could remember the taste of something other than cornmeal and soup. And the camp was no more than a quick run from their cabin—close enough to smell the food, but as far away as the moon.